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Possum Lake Regatta/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW A cabin cruiser out of pop bottles. [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: Wa-a-a! And here's a man who spends his whole life outside -- outside the house, outside the norm, outside the acceptable rules of behavior, that much I know for sure. Anyway, here he is, mr. Outside, re-d-d-d green! [ cheers and applause ] whoo! Thank you. [ cheers and applause continue ] thank you. Thank you very much. [ cheers and applause subside ] thank you. Of course, I wouldn't have to be outside being mr. Outside if mr. Inside wasn't here inside. How are you tonight, there, mr. Inside? I'm just peachy, oh, so peachy. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! Quite a few pits in the peach, I see. Well, it's been an interesting week up at the lodge this week. Uh, old man sedgwick really ticked off with moose thompson because moose had wrecked his tool shed, but moose said, "hey, look, the roof must have been sagging down pretty low for me to be able to drive my car up on top of it like that. You know, actually, I saw moose's car up there, you know. I thought it was a weather vane. You know, with the doors open, kind of showing the wind direction. Well, I mean, we had to figure out how to get it down, 'cause it's real heavy and all, so what we did was we rolled up all the windows and then sealed them off with the bathtub caulking, and then we filled her with hydrogen. And, uh, of course, this made it light enough, you know, that two guys could carry it, so moose and buster were carrying the car up the driveway, and moose was so excited, he lit up a cigar, and, by golly, you know, hydrogen burns real well. And when the smoke cleared, of course, the car was gone. Stolen? Don't think so. We didn't know where it was either, to tell you the truth, you know, until we looked up. And there it was, way up in the sky with moose still hanging on to the back bumper. And she's dropping at 32 feet per second right down into the middle of possum lake. Whoa! [ laughs ] wait a second. Whoa. Wait a sec. That rusty old car is gonna pollute the lake. So will moose, actually. No, harold, I told you, we had sealed up all the holes in the car, so it just floated like a fishing bobber. And so did moose. Of course, his holes were sealed up from fear. Uh, and, uh, you know, the car looked real interesting 'cause it was kind of -- it was upside down, you know, and it was fascinating with the wheels still spinning and the tires smoldering, then a sea gull went over and dropped a treat through the hole in his muffler. And, uh, we got the idea to have our own regatta. A regatta! A regatta. Oh, that's -- well, I mean, a regatta -- that's like when all the boats go by, right, and the people all stand there in their white suits and they salute, you know, from the poop deck. Wa-a-a! Yeah, well, we had the poop deck covered, you know. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ this is a love song more or less for my wife ♪ ♪ she's the best thing ♪ ♪ or one of the better things, anyway ♪ ♪ that's happened to me in my life ♪ ♪ I'd say what I am, I am because of her ♪ ♪ but, uh, she wouldn't take that as a compliment ♪ ♪ I find her to be perfect ♪ or, uh, pretty close in -- in a lot of ways. But, oh, she could back off on the criticism. That wouldn't hurt at all. Happy anniversary, bernice. Red: This week on, uh, "handyman corner," we're gonna show you some ways of recycling the old, uh, plastic pop bottles. Now, I know they recycle these into new plastic bottles, but that's got to be expensive when you figure they got to haul them away in a truck of some kind and then melt them down and rinse all the spit out of them and so on. And I'm thinking to myself, "why can't we come up with a better idea that can use the pop bottles where is, as is?" for example, uh, why don't you just take a bunch of them and glue them all over your car? Down the door panels, the fenders, the bumpers, up over the roof. Not over the windows. There's a safety tip there. And then once you got them glued on, uh, fill them all up with sand. And what you have is your very own portable shock-absorbing crash barrier. Mind you, they're about the weight of a real good ripe watermelon, so that's gonna cut into your gas mileage. But you got to say to yourself, "hey, what is my life worth?" and if the answer is more than two bucks a gallon, go for it. Any more ideas? Well, I would think so. What about just cutting the bottom off of one of these bottles? There are various things you can do with that. You got a lovely soup bowl. Or, uh, to my mind -- call me crazy, but if that's not an attractive plant holder, then, uh, I'm missing the point of life. Or, uh, you know, half a halter top, I suppose. Or -- I think this is a darn good little unit here. Uh, glue a little rim brim on the end there, and you got yourself a little baseball cap that's the same color as your hair. Need a bit of a pea head for that, but, uh, just leave her in the sauna for an extra hour or two. Uh, one of the interesting properties of these bottles is that they are really built to hold liquid in, which means that they will also work real well for holding liquid out. So tighten the top up real good on that, and cram one of these into each of the corners of one of these, uh, pop cases. And then what you do is you drag that up your arm and adjust that to be the size, the weight, and flappiness of whatever your triceps are, and then once you get them up here, you flip them up on top, and they'll just sit up there, and what you have is an incredible pair of water wings. And they're extra safe, because it's eight completely separate flotation units, so even when the kids are shooting bbs at you, you're probably gonna be able to make it to shore. And, of course, once you've learned how to swim, uh, you can just fill them with iced tea and cross the english channel. Or, uh, what you can do is just, uh, take the one big two-liter size and put that inside your bathing trunks, and that'll give you as much flotation as you'll ever need and probably more attention than you'll ever want. If you have a whole bunch of these cases now, you could strap them all together, make yourself a raft or a floating dock or even a great big plastic island. Be a real -- real eye-catcher for the cottagers, looking out the window, see that floating by during one of the heavier storms. But, uh, if you're the kind of guy who's like me, who has a whole lot of bottles and has a whole lot of time and doesn't have the kind of job where he cares what people think, uh, I've got just the project for you. A pop-bottle boat. [ boat whistle blows ] yo-ho-ho and a bottle of diet pop. When your friends see you in a cabin cruiser like this, they can only call you one thing -- popeye! Mind you, they may have a few other suggestions. And, uh, there's something else. If you do build one of these of your very own, uh, you got to expect to be pulled over a few times by the marine police. 'cause they'll figure you went through a fair whack of booze to use up this much mix. You know, and some people just can't help, uh, looking at a boat like this and just assuming that alcohol was involved in some way. Uh, now, as a bit of a safety precaution, when you go to pick your engine size, uh, I would not recommend that you put the inboard engine in this. Uh, certainly not a v-8 or not even the big 6. It's very difficult, to my mind, to safely attach a 700-pound engine to a...Polyethylene pop bottle. But, uh, that's just my opinion. You do whatever you want. Uh, I would suggest that you power up with your favorite carbonated beverage. You just, uh, shake her up, put your thumb over the end, shoot her out the back, and you got yourself a jet boat. And when the cruise is all done, you got enough bottles left to make yourself a fine bridge. Now, next week, we're gonna show you how to make a boat trailer out of pop cans. But until then, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Time for me to cast off! [ boat whistle blows ] and now it's the part of the show where we expose the three words men have such a hard time saying -- "I don't know." [ laughs ] and here to prove the point on "the expert" section of the show, of course, is my uncle red and his good friend, mr. Hap shaughnessy. Letter number one. "dear experts, last week, my husband decided to save money "by doing some car repairs himself. "when he was done, our car was ruined. "after they towed our '64 valiant off to the junkyard, "I found this -- "I found this lying in our driveway. Can you tell me what it is?" wow. Sure. That's a distributor cap. Obviously. Everybody knows that, don't they, harold? Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a -- that's a distributor cap right there. That's what that is. Obviously. [ chuckles ] distributor cap. If only, red. Lady, this is a prototype for a top-secret weapon developed by the pentagon during the nixon years called robo-octo-- used -- used to be written on here. Robo-octopus magneto torpedo. Well, I knew it wasn't a regular disrupticator cap. That's a deadly weapon, harold. In the water, all six arms fly out so it looks like an octopus. And all six highly explosive charges magnetically attach themselves to the hull of the enemy submarine and explode... Breaching the hull, and, uh, sinking the sub. That's a robo-octo-- ...Pus. ...Pus. Magneto... Oh, yeah? Uh, well, how come the robo-octopus thing says "valiant" across here? Ah, that's just a code name -- valiant. Oh. What about the, uh -- what about the spark plug -- or, sorry -- what about the explosive charges? "acdelco." a.C. A.C. Antisubmarine charge. And the "delco"... Any -- any 5-year-old... Delco, uh, short for "delivery container." antisubmarine-charge delivery container. Anyway, they didn't end up using it. The pentagon, uh, doubted that it would work. Yeah, doubt is a powerful thing, isn't it, hap? "it is spring, "when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love, "or failing that, lust, or failing that, wrestlemania viii." glen? Glen, you in there? Glen: The marina's open! Just take whatever you need. Everything's 100 bucks. Glen, it's me. I just need to borrow some rope. Oh, red. Uh, just help yourself. Just leave 100 bucks on the counter. What are you doing to the r.V. Now, glen? Well, I got to put one of these gizmos on her. Another toy, huh? [ chuckles ] it's amazing to me how you find the time to do all the work on the r.V. And, uh, you know, run the business and everything. Run a business? Well, yeah, the marina. Oh! The marina. Sure. Sure. The marina. Yeah. You know what this is, red? No. This here is a motion detector video-assist parking unit. Wow. Yeah. When I have to back into a real tight spot. Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah. This thing will help me out. You know, like, uh, the edge of the grand canyon. Oh, yeah. You know, or going through the giant redwoods in california. Yeah. Or the beer store. Oh, yeah. Boy, uh, you have spent a couple of dollars on her, haven't you? Oh, yeah. $7,000, red. Wow. That's just for this thing. Oh. Yep. $20,000, I figure overall. Oh, my gosh. But, you know, it's worth it. This thing -- I only paid 500 bucks for it. And it was a mess when I got it. No kidding. Anyway, uh, glen, I just, uh, needed the rope because we're gonna tie all the boats together for the regatta, you know. Oh, no, you don't want to do that, red. No, no. I got a whole bunch of outboard motors lying around. Why don't you just, uh, stick them all in the back? I'll rent them to you for 100 bucks. Well, uh, okay, glen. Tell you what. Tell you what. You throw a half-dozen outboards into the back of the van, and I'll take them over to the lodge, and we'll just, you know, see who wants what. Uh, well, you know, red, I'm real busy with this video-sys thing. It's gonna take me a little while. So help yourself. No, no. That's okay. I can wait. Well, I never put one on, red, so it might take a couple hours. You take your time, glen. [ sighs ] you, sir, are the laziest man alive. Well, glen, coming from you, that has to be a compliment. Well, our gonzo regatta has got everybody going, and the idea that you can put a motor on your vessel has got everybody pretty excited. Moose has decided to turn his car into a paddle-wheeler. You know, uncle red, I saw buster hadfield walking down there, and he had a really long extension cord, you know. I was just hoping he's not gonna build a boat with an electric motor, is he? Well, actually, buster, uh, I believe, is building a boat out of 35 used mailboxes. Oh, okay. Where's he getting those? Well, let's just say that, uh, nobody around possum lake's gonna be getting any bills for a while. And he's gonna power the unit with one of them, uh, wet-dry vacuum shop-vac type things, which is gonna suck water in the bow and blow it out the stern -- very reminiscent of my great grandfather on my mother's side. I don't know why you're always changing things. You're forever changing things, you guys. Just leave things the way they are. You're always so creative. Wa-a-a! You got any moving parts in that gizmo there, harold? No, I don't. Little rubber belt? No, I don't have any. 'cause it looks like -- uncle red, don't! I don't have any moving parts! I want to just look at it. Don't! Don't! I have a cold. I'm just gonna give it to you. I don't even care. Happy song. ♪ wear a smile all the while ♪ ♪ and all your friends will name you ♪ ♪ but wear a frown when there's a bad smell around ♪ ♪ or all your friends will blame you ♪ red: Well, I wasn't really in much of a mood for adventure with bill, but he said there was lunch in it for me, so... And not only is this lunch -- yeah, yeah. Hi, bill -- but a big, juicy steak. [ scraping ] ah! Ah! Ooh. I hate that sound. Reminds me of grade three, both years. So anyway, bill brought his own secret steak sauce, and he's gonna put that on -- oh, man! Obviously a couple of holes in the side of the jar there, bill. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. I think I'll skip the hot wax. Man: Hey! And we're -- oh, oh, oh! Now what we're gonna do is we're gonna build ourselves a little campfire and cook the steak. It was a good-looking piece of meat, and he's got a -- what do you got there? Oh, may be what cut the steak sauce. He's putting the -- watch -- bill. Bill. Bill. A little, uh, garnish on the steak there. And he cleared a little spot. And now what he wants to do is to put a bunch of rocks around. It kind of contains the fire, so we got a few rocks here, and I'm pitching in. You know, there aren't a lot of rocks around this part of the lodge 'cause, uh, 'cause bill's done this before, mainly, so, uh... There's one there. Yeah. That's kind of a big one, bill. Watch where you're throwing. Bill, watch -- bill. Bill, bill, bill. There you go. So he goes down by the creek there. A lot of rocks down there. You know, I heard a story one time that you should never use... Oh! ...Bill for anything. But you should never use rocks from out of the water 'cause they got the water still in them. Anyway, I'm not gonna worry about that. So we, you know, innovation. Innovation. We're gonna cook the steak over the rake. Now, bill, bill, that thing's got holes all around the sides of it there. Oh, all right. All right. All right. Gonna wrap -- okay, wrap the towel around. All right, maybe that'll work. Ugh! No, apparently not. No. No. There was a hole in the end there, bill. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'll get that sauce onto the steak anyway. What do you got? By gosh, you don't see that every day of the week. Thank goodness. So we're gonna cook up this -- now the river rock is starting to -- I didn't even notice. It's starting to hum and sizzle, and I put the steak over, and it's starting to rock, and apparently when these things build up enough pressure inside -- [ whistling ] I don't -- I don't remember much of what happened after that. Uh, I remember I kind of came to in the barn, and, uh, I came out and I thought to myself, "where is that wienie?" there he is. And now here's a new idea for all you young kids who are forced to watch this stuff. Hey, it's me, heavy hip-hop harold with my brand-new show, "wrapping with the man." [ chuckles ] "wrapping with the man." [ chuckles ] okay, I know there's not supposed to be a "w" in front of "rapping," okay, 'cause I'm gonna fix that by next week. I don't want you to think this is a show about wrapping gifts with some guy. 'cause it's not. It's a show about talking to -- wa-a-a! -- Policemen. But I didn't want to call it that, because obviously -- very uncool. Like, when the policemen go undercover, we still know it's policemen. We know it's them. Do you want to know how to tell? Okay, I'll tell you 'cause I know. They got like these great big, long black shoes, right, and they got short hair, neatly trimmed mustaches, and really good posture. Yeah. These are all things that I think most street gangs are lacking. Wa-a-a! So the show is gonna be called then, "rapping with policemen." or policewomen. You know, okay. Or policewomen. I'm gonna have to change that, too. Okay, so by next week, it's gonna be called, um, "rapping with people of authority." yeah! That's what it's gonna be called -- "rapping with people of authority." okay, so -- okay, harold. Noel's out of the shower now. Needs his uniform back. No! No! No! No! Pardon me, harold? Uh, nothing. Sorry. I don't know how much longer I can go on doing a show without a budget. [ slide whistle ] ready for the possum lake regatta there, bob? What? No, no, red. I happen to be doing some work for the department of natural resources. Oh, yeah? Yes, I'm -- I happen to be measuring the gravity of this specific marsh. Wetlands are an important part of the ecological chain. I don't know if you knew that, red. Well, I guess you're done for the day now that you've drowned your instruments. Oh, I have another set of clubs. Tools. Well, uh, what can I do for you, red? Remember now, I've got 36 holes of work ahead of me. Yeah. Yeah. [ twang! ] oh, boy. Well, uh, actually, bob, I just wanted to know if maybe you guys down at the department wanted to build a boat for the regatta. I thought you could make one out of, say, pencils and coffee cups and those tax forms you're sending me every couple of months. No. Thanks, red. No time. Every minute is precious when you work for the civil service. It's like a well-oiled machine. Really? Most of the guys I meet are down a quart. Or their palms are greased. [ slide whistle ] [ popping ] oh, boy. Hang on to this for me, will you, red? Well, bob, you're not gonna be able to putt from the top of the tree there. What are you handing me this for? 'cause that is my favorite club! Bob! Bob! Bob: Whoa! [ splash ] well, we've had a major rethink on the possum lake regatta... Because, uh, mass arrests tend to dampen the fun of almost any social event. Well, I am one person who's personally glad that you decided to cancel. Smart move. We're not canceling, harold. We're just -- we're just gonna make the boats not powered, okay? We've tied them all to moose's car, and we're gonna take turns rowing. How do you row a car? The car is upside down, harold. You just weld oarlocks to the rocker panels. Oh, of course. Yeah. And, uh, this way, if we get stopped by the marine police, at least moose's boat is licensed. Heck, it's got plates. And, uh, they got -- they've made an arrangement with some guy at the end of the regatta who's gonna buy all the stuff for scrap iron, and moose will get enough money, he can get himself a couple of used k-cars. That's great. What, like one to drive and one for a boat? No, uh, one to drive and one to give to old man sedgwick as a tool shed. [ screeching ] oh, that's the cry of the possum. That's meeting time. All right, harold, you go on ahead. I'll be right down. Well, that's about it for our show, but if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And, uh, I found something out -- that combination washer-dryer that your parents gave us does not float, all right? So... I would say it's probably not as top-of-the-line as they pretended it was. And for the rest of you, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, thanks for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching continues ] [ indistinct conversations ] harold: All rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Just a couple things, guys, before we get started -- buster hadfield is selling his snowmobile for 25 bucks. You can pay him tonight, pick it up tomorrow. Make sure you bring scuba equipment.